The lost soul

 And the days flies by like the leaves are taken away by the wind. It's getting colder and colder day by day, but I don't mind the cold. My heart is slightly frozen again, so some chilli weather is not bothering me. 

I've found myself in a long lost box, and i thought that would be it, but it is not. Still fighting with my old self, and traces of that behaviour I've been chained to for too much time. I don't want to be this way. I want to be happy, but i cannot find happiness in anything i have, as it is not the way it was supposed to be. Why and how are the questions that are haunting my dreams, day and night, pushing my mind to overthink the overthinking again and again and I'm tired. I am happy deep down in my way... But I only feel the happiness in loneliness, when I am with myself and whatever unknown and unseen souls, when I don't have to play by any rule, on any game, with my own self; where I don't have to hide, to put a mask on, to be... 'Nice' if I don't feel like it. I'm my own comfort zone and it's scarring me, it feels wrong, but there is no single soul around that wouldn't judge me. An evil liar with no ability to keep a promise; an arrogant bitch with narcissistic traits; a knows it all annoying piece of self who doesn't accept anyone's else opinion... Sucks to be me I guess, and especially to have me around.

When you meet a soul that's longing for some love, affection, attention and encouragement, as an empath, you're taking it in; and nurturing with as much as you can give. When it's asking for more than you have at the moment, you push it away, so you can charge, so you can find a way to give more. Do you have to? Do you owe anything to that soul? No, not at all. But you care, you can't just stand there and watch it suffer when you know very well a good word can bring up the most magnificent and magical smile, and at what cost? You're asking yourself, it will be worth it. And you do the sacrifices, and you think the unthinkable and find ways and build plans, and lost all your own way or energy to do your own things, but you forget about yourself, you're not so important anyway, your happiness is not cherishing anyone's heart, you can leave yourself down, who else are you disappointing but yourself? Your image is not a thing to worry about, what does it matter that no one in your circle understand that you just wanted to make someone smile? They can call you a slut or a bitch or a hypocrite. A smile is a smile in your heart, if you helped to make that's souls dream to come true, that is all that matters. You'll fix your life eventually, in a way or another. 

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And now you're neither important to that soul anymore, nor is your life. Did the effort matter? Did it count? Maybe, but not something too significant anyway. There are plenty other souls that are taking care of the little one once only you cared about, but why would it matter now? Time flies, and you're a liar to yourself and anyone else. You're so busy saving and helping out lost souls that are eventually breaking you down instead, why would you care to fix yourself anymore? What for? A glimpse of sunshine on your way, I'd rather drown myself in the light of the Almighty Mother Moon. It's enough you're there when anyone is in need, but no one asked you to be there. Some people just need to stay in pain, you're helping them to heal and get out and now you're taking their pain instead, because you pay for your mistakes, that's my conclusion. When you save someone in pain that wasn't meant to be spared, but it was meant to suffer even more, get through it as part of the growing process, the rest of the suffering you're taking it upon you. But that smile matters way more than the tears you're scattering in the wind. 

I've found this book, it's talking about each birth day's challenges, and for me is patience. I need to learn to be patient, for years I've been mastering this shit, since i was a little kid, is it not enough still? Did I not learn my lesson? Feels like not really, my patience runs off day by day, and when I'll be left out with nothing, the Hell will rise again and chaos will eat my soul, but until then... Silence treatment is the answer.

Signed: An empath doomed to take the blame