Breathing and alive so far...

I'm still alive so far, so maybe it wasn't really an owl or perhaps the end is near. Got some fructed up days though. I would complain and vent here about them, but I ani't a baby no more, got two on my hands, and are more than enough I reckon. Anyhow, I've got no damn idea why and what I plan on writing here now, just felt the push to do it, so I can at least get rid of some of my thoughts as the inside now it's kinda in an overflowing mode. Today is said to be a super strong day for manifestation, and although recently I've begun manifesting random stuff in my life, stuff I only randomly mentioned, I have no real idea how I did that or how and what I should do now to actually manifest anything. If people around would go for being wealthy, or a better job or some special love coming their way... Well the only thing I could possibly wish for is myself back, but this is not something you wish for and you get it as a present from the universe, this is that type of wish you need to work for, but (yeah there it showed up a 'but' in the mean time...) I have gotten to the point where I am way too tired to try or do anything. 

People around me noticed why I am the way I am, and why I’ve got to this point in my life where I struggle, and it is apparently because I am way too people pleaser, and I forget that the most important being in this world for me should actually be myself not others, and the main issue is not really that but the disappointment I’m letting to eat me up alive when I notice that the other people aren’t so people pleaser as I am and aren’t treating me the way I did. Like, my main point in the back of my mind is that I am using this way of pleasing everyone around in the expectation for them to do the same in exchange and yes if that would happen, I wouldn’t need any second to put myself first, as the others will do it for me. But yeah, this way of thinking is way too naïve and innocent, I totally anyway have too many expectations from hooman beings.

I love being a mom, but I damn hate so much babysitting someone’s else kid, especially if that kid is a total grown-up person who is supposed to be able to take care of themselves, and moreover when I get treated by them like I’m that stupid dumb parent who has no idea about the way the world works. And the fact that I am a people pleaser also, I usually play dumb and accept any lie or bad action saying that is it alright and I am all there supportive, and accepting… But it hurts and kills me inside. Cause I am aware I can be better than how I am now and what I’ve become but I am just hidden well back inside just because as an empath also, I know what pain means and I’ve been myself through the opposite situation where I was telling off about diverse sheits I’ve done as kid or teen, so I try to not give pain to the others, like life is already doing its part, why should I add up more. I’m guessing that, perhaps this way of acting is what has brought me all this situation now. But how can I speak up when I’m shut by my inside before even opening my mouth.

But if I am aware of something I have to fix in my life as first is that I need to do something with my relationship with my mom (yep…I am the cringe one with mommy issues) and I know I thought a lot about recently, and spoke out too, and as a total gift got from the Universe, my mom will come in this country to stay for a while, and it is totally abnormal considering how against the idea she was as she missed my pregnancy period, the birth of her first granddaughter, my ceremonial wedding and some other important events from mine or my sister life, so hell sweet Lucifer give it some praise to the universe for making things possible. And I’ve only asked for a speed-up of the process, because I’ve got that I am in a waiting period now, but just make it go faster, I ain’t getting any younger and few years I consider are the enough payment. So, noticed recently with all the signs and the events that things are starting moving, and now like a kid opening the Christmas presents I’ve got all excited, but (yeah there is a ‘but’…) as I mentioned before… I’ve got to the point where I am too tired to act… And this sucks.

Signed a soul nearly to get herself back, but too tired to grab it.