Feeling Blue, but Blue is my favorite colour...

 It's funny how broken I am in a way that no matter how much someone would hurt me or would disappoint or would crush my frozen heart and then feed it to the wind or simply by falling apart, or just grows apart, no matter what, my heart still feels the same amount of deep love and appreciation, and like a little kid I am getting so excited over little things or achievements. The thrill, the excitement is beyond description, but inside, outside I'm a stone just because I've learned since I was little that showing off emotions, unless in a safe place, is just weakness, and I am not weak for a thing. But still, I am so proud of everyone doing so well. 

For example, I get the same amount of excitement as I get when my daughter chooses out of every colour to say 'Purple' like, nothing easier because as mommy thinks, easy simple ways are boring and bring nothing exciting in the world. So, I'm checking social media, as required, and finding out some of my relatives gave birth, and some other friend that we don't keep in touch with anymore did the same, and before I was happy and all that, but now knowing the whole process, being through it myself, it just feels different, and I feel like a bittersweet feeling of proudness and praying for their fast recovering physically and mentally, as that postpartum sheit sucks more than everyone is taking in consideration. Scroll more here and there, someone graduated Uni, I feel so proud of her and I haven't even met her personally, not even having her as a friend but her Boyfriend used to be someone close, so I know stuff, I'm investigating, and I became a fan of that girl without her knowing, so I send her my best wishes, let them fly up in the sky and hope the wind will shower her with them as she deserves the best. Someone else is doing charity work and fructing Hell doing an amazing job at it and so many sacrifices so my heart is thrilled just because I can see that in the world there are still kind-hearted souls. It's surprising, so I am sending my heart ( well the dust that's left actually) to cover and protect his big one. I surely know it won't cover more than the tip of it, but if you sprinkle it all over, like glitter it will spark and make it better, or so I hope. 

Scroll more and poping up it's my aunt posting pictures with my recently deceist Grandmother(it was supposed to be her birthday today), she's missing her, and it is what you should feel regards people who left this world (but between us, it is happening more often with people still well and alive who chooses to become a ghost just like that, but this is all another subject, at least if death would be the only reason for you to can miss someone). But still, sometimes this feeling hits you only after you lose that person forever, without a comeback, which from my point of view sucks, because instead of appreciating that she's alive and visiting and all, you did nothing, and now cry about it. Like don't get me wrong, I do empathise with my aunt, and respect her in any way, and grieving is still a way to get over it, but it is just sad to watch people missing out on memories just because of 'arrogance' or 'ego'. I did cry a bit at the beginning to be fair, but I know it is a way life works, and unless I reject this, I have no right to wonder why. Death is just a second, and I am so annoyed how people only think to some other and consider only after that one dies like you have no right, you've got your time, and crying over spilled milk is just useless. You should've reconsidered. You love someone, just tell them, you miss someone just visit, the rest are just excuses or pretending, ugh don't even get me started on that topic. Life is so short and sucky, why would you bother even. You enjoy someone's presence or energy or whatever, keep close. Life without pain will be lame as you ain't gonna be able to understand pure happiness. The same concept as the light wouldn't be appreciated without a little bit of darkness. 

Living in a fairy tale world feels so disgusting, for me at least. Like yeah I get everyone is looking up to the perfect life, and maybe that's why social media help so many people to get out of the surface of all that childhood traumas and mental illness, but maybe this is not the way, I mean I've myself been through some fructed up stuff and got out the way I am with an hugely fear of abandonment that's eating me on the inside every single second, and still people aren't stopped to trigger it, but I also know that without this trauma or pain, I wouldn't be who I am today, and yeah sure maybe I am not in the best spot, but hey some people I've met are and I know if it wasn't for me they wouldn't, so if my pain made someone find their happy path, why not. I do embrace the pain and all the traumas. Used to hate my parents to be honest and blame them for every bad thing that happened in my life, but I've got to the point where I do realise they couldn't do better, and before anyone comes and contradict me (no one does but just saying), yes I am aware there could've been much more better decision in their lives, totally, but they had to go thorough that specific feeling, moment and all, it is the part of the process. Every experience is unique and I know I am not happy with where or how I am at this right moment, but I will figure my way eventually, or I'll die sooner than expected, and press the reset button because I did take the wrong turn at some point. Who knows?

I can tell I am not on the right path at this moment as too many signs are sent my way and heck if I ain't gonna turn right, there will be nothing left of me (lol did you see what I did there? Right and left ...no... anyway). So yeah signs, well as a person living and being raised in a kind of religious wanna-consider environment, where all witchcraft are something evil and satanic, especially if it came from the other part of the family, I obviously picked up on that, like don't get me wrong, I'm someone who would question everything and not choose unless well thought before, or no other choice, so considering that religious side seem pretty much in lack of humanity or empathy, I chose the other side, the dark and evil side, which is actually nothing like that but, anyhow. So yeah back to the subject and my signs! My familiar, my cat, stupid and dumb and so against love, starts crawling and rubbing herself around my legs, so weird, unless I'm next to the treats drawer, she's never loving, I said something got into her, like puberty or whatever. One day few months ago I found in the garden a crushed eggshell, like some bird just did the 'This is Sparta!' trick on it, poor thing. And I know, shit happens, nature and blah-blah, but there was nothing inside, not an egg yolk, not a bird. So yeah maybe something ate it, whatever I said (my mom would say it's bad witchcraft sent, meh!). Fast forward to some recent events (just because my memory is sheit), birds are following me, pidgeons tons, always all together gathered, like they have some conference; at some point, one got into my workplace while I was scanning some delivery, went in, it did 'Goo-Goo' twice to me (like it was trying to tell me something, but I don't speak that language yet) and went out just like that without me even having time to react, the only thing I could say was 'What are you doing here?' then I've started a process of 2 seconds but which seems longer in which I was trying to find out how to take the bird out of there. And crows, but only one or three, packs of three here or there, or one alone once came to me to feed her, one picked up on another small bird while I was at work again, and I went to help the little bird, yeah I am all over the natural order and sheit, but not on my watch (the little bird escape fine, don't worry). After or before or in between I keep finding feathers, randomly and everywhere and all white, like fully white (Witchcraft says when you do find a white feather you should make a wish as the Angels are close by and will make it happen. Wished the same thing over again but got nothing, so maybe my wish is not a good one). And yeah I know there was a festival in the city and all the center is full of white feathers, but they're all different than what I found, and my neighbours across grow pigeons, and sure they can be from them, but why so many so suddenly, and before saying 'Oh maybe they were always there and you just noticed them now...' No, I am collecting feathers, that's how I know it is not something ordinary. But anyway, next recent sign like less than a week ago, I found the baby bird that was meant to be in the eggshell I found in the garden a few months ago (😂they took turns not all together, to not be too overwhelming for me), same spot that was weird a bit, and the baby bird dead obviously, and my cat saw me picking it up and came and looked at me like asking judgy 'How could you do that? I am not killing birds why would you?' I gave the poor thing a little burial ritual in the back of my garden, maybe it will grow up in a nice bird tree (my humour gets so rusty and wrong). The last sign was last night when I heard something like an owl maybe somewhere from above the house or inside the house, a totally wrong sound to hear so late in the night, and from only Holly Lucifer knows where, because you could hear it coming from everywhere. So yeah, I'm in the waiting game, as I am thinking maybe I just pissed off the Universe when I asked why nothing bad happens to me but only to everyone around. Mabe I finally got my last hurrah 💙

Signed: The bluest bluey messy void waiting for the end