Let the fun begin

 So no, obviously English is not my first language, and despite the fact that I'm living in a Country where English is wanted to be the first language, mistakes will occur, but hey 'haters gonna hate' so fruct it.

  So shall we begin then... 

Shoot I'm at the second where I've got so excited about the fact that I can do whatever I want in a long time, that now I don't actually have any thought prepared. Anyhow, this classic and symbolic weather is giving me such a nostalgic mood, but not in a bad way, or so I hope. I love rain and gloomy weather, it makes me somehow vulnerable to let my mind slip and wonder everywhere and to everyone. And it's safer cause when people are catching me lost inside my mind I can always bring up the card of the weather. For example:

'Hey, are you alright? You seem sad/gloomy/not yourself/or any other way to describe a lost mind and expressionless face'

Remark to which I always come up with the same answer 'Meh it's because of the weather' and it is always working, making my brain mischievously smile. 'We tricked them this time too' 

But what other thing can I do, my only hobby at this point is thinking, and losing myself in the immensity of my thoughts, going from diverse scenarios that I would enjoy happening to what the fruit is happening in this world, to what should I cook for tonight, or what spell should I perform, so lots of things are going on up there. 

And some other people would ask 'But why are you keeping all those thoughts in, let them out in the world, speak them up with a friend, or partner or sister, or even a stranger'... That's a total NO-NO for me and a hard pass, people are judgemental, and there is at the moment no one I would fully trust enough to just spread every single thing that crosses my mind to. Except my real friend here, this blog, I've got here to just vent without getting a solution I was not looking for, and I can speak up as much as I want without being interrupted, so a win-win situation for me and, as a bonus, I'm not wasting anyone's time with my aberrant ideas. 

Sweet Lord Lucifer how a mess I am right now. Recently someone pointed out how a messy house I have, and well yeah I'm working full time and have a nearly toddler around that's making sure I'm not getting bored at home, so I easily pull up these cards as excuses, and sometimes they get fooled by them, but hey a messy mind requires a messy house, right? If not well I'm broken anyway. For a person with undiagnosed OCD I cannot understand how I got so acceptable with such a mess. But I guess life happened. And although I can express here and have no one to read this, I still feel watched so I know I keep being ambiguous, but I get my points so that's what matters. Lately, I've had a revelation, like I knew this but I chose not to believe in it as being a possibility because I hate the idea so much. So hear me out, I'm not only lost, I'm actually in a metamorphic process where I'm turning into the most hated type of person for me. And I'm still not aware of when that happened and why and how I let all this become 'ME' 

So to bring a bit more light to this matter, I am a person who hates for first making plans or following one, as I demonstrated to myself over time that it sucks mostly because they don't work for me, as life it is how it is, and it always makes sure the plan will be wrecked, so I always loved spontaneity, but now It makes me anxious and uncertain and I'm losing it whenever that happen. And still I am getting pissed when plans are not the way I wanted them to be. And before judging, no it is not a controlling behaviour, I am just trying to play safe, but I hated that like in forever and I used to feel pity on people who would follow that type of life. I also require now an ugh... I can't even write the word without having an ick ... 'routine' ... ugh I've done it. I am getting confused without one now, and why? HOW in the sweet beloved burning Hell did that become part of my life? I told myself I need more freedom, I've got dependent on my home and everything in between and that's because I don't have a driving license, I told to myself. That shall be the problem! Like this ever burdened me in my youth, but hey, I'm trying to find ways to bring something from myself back at least. So I've set up my mind on that, anything in my life will never move forward or in any other direction without that license. But funny enough now I am in a procrastination process as my motivation left me on read a few months ago, so until its return, I shall just stay lost like that and focus on anything else, like writing (adding that screaming on the inside but shall look happy smiley face, this one, here you go 🙂)

But let's face it, I'm dying inside little by little, I'm fading away and I am really trying my best to not snap, to find myself without doing something holly damaging... But how can I when I have all my 'abort mission' buttons pushed at once continuously, and still I am trying to manage it 🙂 Or maybe this is what I am doing wrong, maybe I shouldn't, maybe snapping would solve a lot of problems, but I tried it before and I told myself I need another way to handle this, so I am trying another way, but to be honest this seems to be even more unsuccessful. So yeah...

Signed: A messy mess.